What makes me feel so much more shit are the personal stuff I have to deal with at the same time. Love life is one, putting that aside, myself. I can’t drive. I can’t go get my own medicine or see the doctor. I think too much, and I have recently became less independent. Since 2010. Because I was told I can finaly let go and depend on someone, and so I did. What happened was, that idea was thrown to the curb, stepped on and left to rot. And thus, I was vulnerable. I realise this now. Ohhh I do. But its hard really. Its easier said than done to try to gain it back. But I am trying my very very hardest to gain that independence back.

Telling someone to stop being independent and depend on them is a huge responsibility to the person who said it and also myself. I should have known, so I can’t really blame anyone. But I did so because of Trust. I was told I didn’t Trust. So I did. And I got that slapped in my face instead. Hokay. Nvm.

Here I am now. Feeling lonely, thinking so much, paranoia, anxiety, whiny, bratty, expecting so much, and most of all.. hatred. I thank my friends though, for the ones who reply me when I ask if there is any clinic opened. Thanks to those who told me which clinics are available at this time, and what medicines I can take, and their genuine caring words via watsapp. “Get well soon.” “Drink more water.” Though these words are said often, but they are really comforting to hear at this time of need.

While I go through all this, I am also patching up with people whom I have been unreasonable with in 2010. I’m proud to say, all of them has forgiven me, and I am grateful for it. Many have said it was long ago, they have forgotten, a few may not forget but have forgiven, and I can fully understand that. I am just thankful for their forgiveness. Atleast then if I die anytime soon, I can die in peace lol. You all know who you are (if any of you reads my blog). Thank you.

One person said one thing to me though, as I needed to go through this person for guidance. This person lets me know if it is safe to initiate my apology towards the people I harmed. And telling this person the good news I myself receive, this person said “But now your body hate u. Thats why you fever. Feed good food and good rest to it.”  How right can this person be? I have been putting the people I care for ahead of me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not doing it out of obligation, but just my character. But tonight, and probably tomorrow.. I am tending to myself. Fuck everything that is bothering me, and sleep. Just sleep. Well eat too. But yeah. Sleep.

And with that.. I begin my hibernation. Don’t be alarmed if I don’t reply any msgs. My phone alerts are switched off. I am ready to fuck the world and go to sleep.

Night all.

I can never get the respect I think I deserve. Or actually deserve. I respect you and I expect the fucking same. Step on my tail, I blast at you, I get a bad impression. Wtf is this? How many more immature people must I deal with? I have to remove so many to the point there are only few fingers of true friends. I can’t even use the fucking word ‘hand full’.

Maybe I’m just paranoid. Thinking so negatively of everything. What can I say? I’m just expecting for the worst.

And when I keep everything inside, its eats me up. But nowadays I don’t know why I can’t even pokerface. The whole fucking world can see how affected I am. So damn unfair. I feel so damn vulnerable. So damn weak. Everyone is fucking bullying me and I can’t get out of it. The only people not bullying me is my own family and my best friend. How shit is this. Family and best friend.. it should fucking be more than enough but why the hell am I still affected? I guess I felt like I have put so much effort to get it and maintain it but it feels like my efforts were just brushed off like dust. Fuck this.

I will not be bullied anymore, whoever you are.

What got me thinking though.. is that I feel different. I don’t know is it because of the past love life that I had to change myself so much to the point I am not me, and that I have forgotten who I was. Ok, maybe I still am me, the core bits.. but the rest.. what people see before is no longer there, I think. Like.. confidence.. or something.

I had always felt locked up, or chose to lock up just because I thought it was the right thing to do at that time. With that, I had to sacrifice quite a few friendships, actually, most of my friendships because I only have a few finger of friends left in Brunei. And then in Perth itself, I only had girls as my close friends, as well as my subway colleagues. Its scary when I think back now. Felt like I was in a cage. I guess one of my friend in Perth was right. I was caged. But like I said.. I thought it was the right thing to do at that time.

But now… I don’t know how to fix it. I am saved by a special someone.. the core me is still there, even more.. but I am still preserved as well.. Sigh. Its as though I have this kind of potential of which I cannot let out. Potential to succeed but because I was always looked down upon, it just won’t come out.. I can’t do this, I can’t do that, wait abit bla blabla. I feel like I need to fly… but my wings are just.. too weak.

I don’t know. It could be karma. Always believed in karma. And this is definitely my karma.

I keep thinking to myself.. should I ask for forgiveness from those who I have shunt off so harshly? Come in peace (when I say this I meant the people who were once my friends. Not exes that threw my heart and stomped on it.) I don’t know. This is what I mean. I’m making myself as low as I don’t know. Is this even low? I can’t remember was it my fault or not. Its all a blurr now. Seems like an excuse now I guess?

Lost. Very lost indeed. I am at a point where I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so emotional these days. Before I remember I was strong, always the one protecting people, always the one not letting anything affect me, always the one to lead. But now I am just… following. Always needing protection… I have become.. dependent. Yuck. I guess you can call it… tamed.

I want that part of me back. But I don’t know how. Some people see it as controlling. The people I care prolly thinks that way. No… that’s not my intention.. I am just.. trying to bring them back to reality. To not make mistakes. Those little things during that time. I was.. protecting them. But I guess, once they have felt like they have been protected enough, they leave. But the way I felt they had to leave me was by biting my head off. After all I have done? But… it got me thinking as well, all I have done, maybe wasn’t good at all to begin with?

This is harsh. But this is my karma.

So. I want to continue blogging, just because. But I wondered… should I remove the older posts or leave them? Actually I’m even surprised my blog is still being viewed. Well, atleast one viewer. LOL. But anyway..to be honest, I made up my mind.  I’m leaving them as it is. Just so it can remind me of the times when I thought I was happy, or when I really am happy, and when I feel the shittiest, just so I have that reason to feel what I feel towards those times and situations.

So, how have I been since April? A series of events happened to me, that’s for sure. For one, I am still a smoker lolz. :p

I left Brunei on May 30th. It felt like a new beginning. Within the time I was in Brunei and Malaysia, I have felt happiness, anger, hurt and even loneliness. I was happy I get to meet the people I love, the home cooked food, the country itself as well as time spent there. I was free from my part time work which I needed a break from. Anger and hurt from the truth I find out from my previous love life, and loneliness because I have lost a handful of friends I grew up with. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to those who are still a part of my life.

Returning to Perth after was actually life changing. I grew stronger. I didn’t want to deal with anymore bullshit, though yes, it affected me still at that time, but the people here, whom I became an adult with has helped me alot as well. The girls, my housemates and my colleagues. Before I would just sulk and hide myself from everyone, but then I had enough. Enough of being controlled by the person whom I thought was my true love. Whom I thought, sacrificing so much for will be worth it. I had to argue with myself to either stay in Oz, or return to Asia and seek my career there. But because of the bullshit I received, I let loose. I didn’t give a shit if that person disliked me going clubbing, or going out late at night chilling. Before I would ask for permission. Come to think of it, who the fuck asks for permission to live one’s life? Why did I have to glue my face infront of my laptop screen and waited for that person to come online, when he himself is doing his own thing taking his sweet time making me wait and without even needing my permission? Guess what, I was a fool. I trust, I believe and then I was let down. How? Question the person’s loyalty and we have the answer. The pain and anger still so strong in me. The main motivation for me to prove I cannot be messed with. Once or twice I let it go. This time, just once, to hell with you.

I was told by the person I look up to, that I was treated like a doormat. Everyone else decided to open mouth about it too. Guess what, I am fucking glad they did. Because of them, I realised how stupid I was and decided move on from this darkness.

It came to a shock to several people about the sudden change of my love life. Even now people still question me about it. But seriously, what are they expecting?

Truth be told, I am extremely happy with where I am right now. I met a man who actually cares for me. Loves me for who I am, not wanting me to change, and when I say change, I mean everything. Down from what I wear to my personality. He truly loves me for who I am.

Moving on was what I needed. I could foresee myself becoming someone who’s potential will never be seen if I hadn’t. It was hard being held back. Everything was so dark and gloomy to the point I let it became a part of me.

Heres a verse from a song that describes how I feel..

“Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know.”

I can’t be too detailed. As much as I want to troll more about it, this will be sufficient. It may sound like I haven’t let go yet, so yes, what I haven’t let go yet is the pain I suffered. It will take me awhile, but every day I make progress. Slowly, this person will soon be a complete stranger, to the point I won’t remember anything about him. And I choose it to be that way. Whether anyone understands or not, its not my problem anymore.

Right now, my new life, I met someone new, I moved out from the house I stayed in for 4 years and moved in with him, met his family who are the most incredible people on earth, adopted a puppy and doing everything together as partners. I have to admit, this half year is going by really fast and within that time, so many things has happened and yet we pulled through. True our past may still haunt us.. but in a matter of time, and I don’t know for how long, but I know it will all definitely go away.

This is it. This is what I want, and this is what he wants too. I really am happy. Finally I know what its like to really be happy. We’re moving forward to a better future.

Its almost the end of 2011. Anyone noticed a lot of breaking ups this year? But I believe, things fall apart to make way for better things.

Next year will be even better. My job, my love life and everything else.. it’ll be better.

I am returning home again but for 3 weeks only. The people I miss and love, I can always count on them to make my trip worth while. Will see you guys very soon. n_n

Its 6am. Laptop battery drained. And I am drained. Time to head back to bed and cuddle with the man’s arms whom I suit perfectly in.

These few months has been pretty damn hectic for me. Mainly because of this stupid temporary visa thing that I have to apply for inorder to stay in Perth longer. In a way, for this to happen was a good thing as well. The reason why I am whining about it is because every penny used for applying this visa was earned by my own hands. I did not rely on parents at all. Not to mention my job isn’t even a proper one based on my field of study. Its just a part time students do when they are still studying. I overworked, and neglected my health. I was selfish in terms of spending, to the extent I didn’t want to buy fruits to munch on, or even spend on proper meals. Many times I lost appetite to eat, or even skip meals, or just eat instant noodles.

Guess what happened? I lost weight. Duh. But thats not so dramatic yet. Whats dramatic is that I found out my kidneys were er.. suffering. lol. How? My temporary visa application ofcourse! I had to have a medical checkup for one of the requirement when applying. So, during the first medical checkup, I had a urine test. And I failed it. Drastically. Then I was asked to come back again, because they assumed my period was coming, hence the trace of blood in my urine. So I did and it failed again. Then I was told to go find my on GP and etc. Had a referral letter for my GP. Couldn’t understand the crazy jargons they used but I got the idea somehow. Too much protein in my urine, and traces of blood. My GP had to test my urine, (note – 3rd urine testing horrrr) and blood. I waited for the results, called back and had the same problem. Then he had no choice but to send me to a kidney specialist known as a Neuphrologist. I think I spelled that right O.o. Anyways, again I was asked to pee in a stupid container again and blood taken. This time 2 tubes of blood :S. Had to pay $30 for that. And $200 for the initial consultation with the kidney doc.

I got a call from my doc a week later, he told me I need to get an IVP. Which is something like an Xray. Or is an xray…? Ah whatever. So. I did. When I was at the er xray room, wearing nothing but a thin layer of one piece of cloth thingy, lying on the with hell lot of gadgets around me. Then the nurse inject my left arm with some weird chemical along with diluted salt water. The purpose of this chemical is so that it could be seen in the xray. This will help them determine whether my kidneys and bladder is working fine. When they injected me with that, I could feel some warm sensation on some parts of my body including my, er, down there lolz! Like hot gas coming out wtf. But it went away after awhile. Anyways, that was the process. And that costed me $255.

After some time I forgotten how long later, doc called me and yeah I had to go in for consultation.

Apparently, he suspects that I have erm.. whats it called.. blah I dono the fucking long name but I know its inflammation of the kidneys. But we don’t know which kind. Oh and my xrays did not show anything farney happening, so its physically okay. But operation wise? Not okay. The “filter” of the kidney (where urea er passes to another layer of something to become urine etc) is not functioning properly, because it is leaking too much protein to the other side, hence I pee lotsa protein. Nowonder my pee was incredibly yellow, strong smelling and bubbly. I thought it was because I had not drunk enough water, but yeah.

Then there was good news and bad news. Good news is, it wont affect my application for the temporary visa. The bad news? If left untreated, I could be at the risk of facing kidney failure, which then require me to go for dialysis and probably the long crazy wait for a kidney donation. O_O

Can you sleep after knowing this is happening to you? Can you blame yourself for feeling negative after that? But I do blame myself for one thing.. Not taking care of myself. So I tried. Within that 1 month or something after hearing the news.

Oh right, one more bad news. I needed a renal biopsy. Renal biopsy is where er, a giant needle gun will be injected to my kidneys from the back just to take some tissue, and then the tissue will be tested. Whats it for? To see what kind of inflammation. With that, they can give me the right medications. It isn’t a nice procedure, it isnt cheap as well because lots of ultrasounds and etc needed to be done. And it will be a little gory because the moment its been injected, ill bleed like a mother fucker.

Can you sleep? lolz. Well, I managed to. Life goes on doesn’t it?

Doctor gave me a choice. To do it in Oz, or elsewhere.  In Oz, it would be thousands of dollars. In Malaysia, it will be thousands of dollars. Just difference in money value. W.T.F I know. So obviously, being a cheap indian chinese, I chose Malaysia. Woohoo.

Dad got mom and I tickets to KL. 2 weeks. No Calvin He is in Bintulu working as we speak. Anyways.. I stayed at our house. How much I’ve missed it!

Went to see the doc. I had to choose between Private hospital, or Government. But to tell you the truth I honestly didn’t know which was better, and which was which lol. I was recommended UM, (university hospital) and yeah I went for it. Bloody hell it was the worst experience of my life! The waiting time was HELL, the service was HELL, and I couldn’t speak a proper sentence of Bahasa Melayu. FML. My mom and I got so agitated we constantly stepped on each other’s tail. =.x Anyway, I had to do pee and blood test (Yeah, this is the first time I get poked by needles so many times and pee in so many different kinds of container in my life =.=)

The good news? My pee was surprisingly clear O.o I was pretty confident, but then again I dono what colour are the protein O.o lolz. And I was told to do an Ultra sound of my kidneys and bladder, and they told me it will be slow in the gov hosp, and I can do it at a private hospital, so my mom and I rushed to Assunta private hospital. Their service? AWESOME. Better than the grumpy old nurses in Oz. Rofl.

A week went by. (By going to Singapore and going around KL lol) Went to see the doc. Guess what? I’m fine. :S

My pee was in excellent state to the point I may actually be peeing water (I did drink alot of water while waiting lolz) and my blood is fine, except…….a small bit. C3 and C4. This is where it got really complicated, or rather I just don’t understand their fucking jargons. =.= Something SLE, something immune system. But what I do get is, something in my blood is low, which mean immune system is low, and body is fighting something in my body which isn’t foreign at all. Hence, my body was having a civil war. :S

Then the Government doc asked if I want to see the specific doctor for this immune system thing in their hospital, or go elsewhere. Ofcourse I chose Assunta private hospital. So, the doc gave me a referral letter, and told me to go to the counter to get my blood n pee investigation report. So I did. Went to private hospital the next time. And guess what? Waited awhile, and then the nurse told me, wrong report. Doesn’t look like mine. I checked and fuck, it really wasn’t mine. Was some freaking 59 year old malay woman. Ma cb. Nvm, did pee test again and see the doc. Doc cant help much, but she did say my pee is okay. Nvm, went back to the Gov hospital, got my reports and wait til Monday. Which is yesterday. Doc says my immune system thing nothing to worry. Its abit low, but its normal. Everything else is excellent.

I don’t understand. How did my kidneys, producing 7x the amount of protein compared to other people, just healed like that, when I was supposed to have a serious treatment? Is it my mom’s cooking? Is it I eat regularly and properly? Is it I had more rest? I don’t know, but I’m thankful I am not any step closer to being attached to a dialysis machine!

I really hated how my mom treats me as if I have cancer. Yeah it was that bad. She was that worried and it was that upsetting.

But I’m good now

And when I say good, I do mean good. In two days I will meet my Fiancée, even if its just gonna be 10 days after 4 months of not seeing each other, it is better than nothing. And, I am so glad because everything is going according to my plans. I finished my degree, will have my graduation ceremony soon. I am independent, even if its just a part time subway job, my dad did not need to spend on me other than my medical leave to KL, my dad has given me freedom – has not question where I been and what time I am coming home, and best of all, they had accepted the fact I have a boyfriend, and I will be getting married. All we have to do now is choose a date!

I can’t wait for him to be back!

Anyways… will leave KL on the 30th April. Back to Brunei, then 18th May to Perth. Work, get my tax money, my superannuation money back and leave Perth for good. Where am I going? Depends on my health. If I am healthy, I will go straight to KL, start my new life there. If not, back to Brunei for a few months for my mom to fatten me up more, and then to KL.

So yeah. Thats bout it. Ah that felt good. Time to ciao. Dinnah is waiting!

Toothless smiling!

I remember when Lilo and Stitch was out, I watched it, and cried my eyeballs out. He was so adorable, yet pitiful at the same time. I loved Stitch soooo much I begged my brother Nigel to get me a Stitch stuffed toy. And he sure did! He got me a giant size one. About the real life size of a Stitch in reality. Damn..

Now I want a toothless stuffed doll. T_T

ITS SO CUTE I COULD DIE!!!!!!!! Seriously!!! Especially when it tried to smile, and when it did, he was toothless LOL, because he didn’t show all his teeth. Oh God its the cutest thing ever.

I remember praying for a Stitch like thing to land on Earth and find me XD Yea, I was that crazy.

GIMEEE TOOTHLESSSSSSSSSS!!!